The 5 Stages of Dating
Commitment and Verbal Communication are the Keys for Advancement

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I remember in middle school and high school, when two people were boyfriend and girlfriend, many would say that they were “going out” instead of the much outdated phrase “going steady”. Yet the newly adopted phrase was confusing, because someone could say that they were “going out” when they were really just going on one date. Actually, a trend that more and more young people are following is not to go on dates at all, but to “hang out” as a group of friends. And who knows what new phrases have been adopted, since the phrases seem to change in schools every year? Uses of other terms, such as “partner”, “companion” and “significant other” are also being used more and more. With the constant changes and confusion that is about us, it may help to define the different levels of a relationship, which are explained in the following 5 stages of dating:

Hanging out – pre-dating or non dating?

First of all, let it be known that “hanging out” is NOT dating. There are 3 “P”s that define a date: 1. Paid for 2. Planned and 3. Paired off. Hanging out may involve one or two of these, but a date does not occur unless all three requirements are met. (Even a "dutch date" is paid for, but obviously this example relies on the other two qualifications to be called a "date".)

Many believe that hanging out is a good pre-dating activitiy because it allows people to get to know each other in a non-pressure environment. Then once they’ve become friends that makes dating even better. One thing is for sure, even when a couple finds themselves going through the five stages of dating, hanging out fills the in between time. Its something that people should get used to doing, yet it shouldn’t replace dating. Even when a married couple is at home together, they are essentially hanging out. However, hanging out, without dating, sets a pattern of non-commitment, which is not good for any relationship.

The very word “commitment” often scares people, because they look at it as something that ties them down or burdens them. But, if they are ever going to be truly happy with another person, they have to learn to do it AND recognize that it is done in return. The dilemma is that they think they won’t be happy because they are restricted, but the truth is that they cannot really be happy unless they work for it. Only when the two people have committed to each other fully, can they give and share with each other that deep part of themselves that will make each other happy (not just in receiving but in giving also).

For others, the word “commitment” is frightening because they gave that deep part of themselves to someone who was not committed in return, so it becomes hard to do it again. For those who consider themselves seekers of a lasting relationship, hanging out may seem like a safe sanctuary, being close to friends, yet not committed. But it is not nearly as good as what lies beyond. So keep yourself open-mindedly cautious. Commit a little, step by step, giving more as you receive more, but not too much all at once. Mentally prepare yourself for the worst, deciding before hand that you will be mature no matter what happens. Yet, be hopeful for the best at the same time.

Stage 1: Dating a variety of people.

This is the only dating stage that considers the wants and needs of the individual. Every other stage of dating involves two specific people.

Dating a variety of people is a great way to get to know, well, a variety of people. Only by doing this can you get an idea of the kind of person you want to be with. Everyone has a different background that influenced the molding of their character. This is why different people have different benefits to offer in a relationship, and set backs too. You need to be aware of the variety of possibilities.

Many who dive into this stage wholeheartedly are often accused of being a “player”. This is why it is important not to send mixed signals. Always be nice, but don’t be overly flirtatious unless you want to send the message that you want to progress to other stages. Also, sometimes a crush can skew the perception of the signals being sent. In many cases, maybe you are just being nice and someone who likes you wants to interpret that as a signal that you want to progress to other stages. As long as you are courteous, and act like a gentleman or a lady, then you don’t need to worry about what other people call you. Dating a variety of people is important.

Stage 2: Regularly Dating

It would be good for many people to recognize that going out on many dates is only regularly dating, and that while there may be some connection there, neither party has fully committed yet. The “regularly dating” stage simply means that two people have been on a few dates and that they will probably go on more. However, remember that until there is a clear crossover between “regularly dating” and “exclusively dating” (Stage 3) neither party can expect exclusive-dating behavior and commitment.

While many hold to the idea that any form of intimacy (from simple flirting and holding hands to kissing and maybe even beyond) should imply commitment, there are too many people who don’t hold to that idea to make it a rule or unspoken law. So if you hold hands with someone, or make out with them, you are still not exclusively dating until you have both agreed to be exclusively dating in some verbal form.

If the girl says, “I only kiss boys that want to date me exclusively”, then the boy better presume to be dating her exclusively if he kisses her and she lets him. But if she believes that two people should be exclusively dating if they kiss each other and she doesn’t say anything, then they are not exclusively dating. Because somewhere there is a girl that doesn’t follow that same philosophy, and that boy has probably met her. So how could he know? If you have the philosophy that a certain level of affection denotes exclusive dating, then don’t practice that level of affection with the other person until you have verbally crossed into Stage 3.

On a special note: although the media and many people in real life consider intercourse or sexual behavior as appropriate for any stage in dating (even for Stage 1), the practice of it before Stage 5 only creates a pattern of non-commitment. Although it may provide immediate pleasure, it doesn’t lead to a happy, long-lasting relationship. You can’t really get the perks without the work, only imitations.

Stage 3: Exclusively Dating

As stated before, the crossover between “regularly dating” and “exclusively dating” requires some form of verbal agreement. The boy may ask the girl to be his girl, or girlfriend. Or the two may talk and agree not to date anyone else. This could even be sealed with something like a promise ring, or a neclace, but the most important thing that marks this stage, and establishes a couple as being within this stage is the verbal agreement. Once a verbal agreement has been made, then there is no doubt by either party that they are within this stage. Any other form of communication or behavior can be misinterpreted, so it has to be verbal.

Exclusively dating is the stage that has the more common names “going out”, “going steady”, or “boyfriend and girlfriend”. This is the stage in which the society and community around you know that both of you are taken. Physical displays of affection are done in public more often because that sends a message to those around you (however if there is no verbal agreement, affection in public still doesn’t mark the crossover from “regularly dating”). And for the sake of the rest of us, please limit these public displays of affection to hand holding and a little smooch. :-)

The level of stage 3 is often considered the “point of no return” since its hard to really “just be friends” after Stage 3. It can be done, but too often someone is too hurt, or immature, or both, to be friends. It takes two really mature people with a lot of dedication and control to be friends after stage 3. This is another reason why many people are afraid of the word “commitment”. But remember that a truly lasting and happy relationship requires equal commitment from both parties. So you must be willing to commit and you must be smart enough to recognize true commitment from the other person.

Stage 4: Engagement

Once two people have dated each other exclusively for a period of time, and decide that they want to be married, they enter a stage called “engagement”, which is often accompanied by a nice, big, “she’s mine” engagement ring (but not always). During this stage they are no longer “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”. They have graduated to being fiancees.

This stage has even been split into two. When two people are planning to be married but they haven’t set a date yet, this could be called “unofficially engaged”. Once they set a date, then they are “officially engaged”. Going along with the necessary characteristic of commitment in order to obtain a happy, long-lasting relationship, being officially engaged is a much better situation.

Dating must continue during this stage in order to continue improving the relationship.

Stage 5: Marriage

The marriage stage almost wasn’t included in this discussion on dating because often marriage is looked at as the next stage after dating. However, if the marriage is going to last, then dating must continue, since relationships, like many aspects of life, requires continual nurture. Often, once people have children and become involved in careers, life gets so busy that dating seems to take the backseat. That must be avoided! Couples need to continue dating during marriage if only to have an escape from other pressures in life and to remind themselves that they are in this together.

Review:

Stage 1 Dating a variety of people
Stage 2 Regularly Dating
Stage 3 Exclusively Dating
Stage 4 Engagement
Stage 5 Marriage

Conclusion:

Now that these stages have been clearly defined, describing the level of a relationship to others becomes quite simple. If you have dated a person for a while but there has been no verbal agreement, you are in Stage 2. If you have dated a person many times but also continue to date and get to know other people, you have reached Stage 2 with regard to that one person, but you are also still in Stage 1 with the rest of the community. Once you make some form of verbal agreement with your "significant other", and you have both verbally committed to each other, then you are at Stage 3. Commitment, although sometimes scary, is necessary for a happy, long-lasting relationship. So you must be willing to commit and you must be smart enough to recognize commitment from the other person.

In your dating journey, when your friends ask “whats the deal” when your talking about your significant other, you may start by explaining that you’ve been “going out”. But when they ask you to elaborate, just tell them you’re in Stage 3 because you’ve verbally asked the person to be your significant other, and refer them to this article for clarification.

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